Stucked in a Horrible Office Politics

Jakarta, 8 Aug 2019

Just had a picture taken this afternoon; the Starbucks had a 50% sale, was hanging out with office crews, and I was in a good mood.

It was all swell and dandy. The picture was great, and I love it.

So I decided to add it in several dating apps, you know; the funny thing about these apps is you say the people there, like, every day but when you add a new picture then, boom, you're like the new guy on the block but like, hello, I live here.

Anyway, it turns out that an old user I was chatted through WhatsApp since June 2018 said Hi to me and we arranged a meet up in a mini-mart next to the KPK red and white building.  He is a silver fox kind of guy that I can easily swoon over, not to mention he's been working out so, yeah, life's pretty good so far.

He told me about his past life, born in Singapore, raised in SF, living a fab life with a partner that was deceased 6 years ago. Although he is a spiritual and claim to be open-minded, there's something that I still haven't get a grip on the way he sees things, like; he doesn't believe in marriages between male to male and that kind of things is weird because gays should be just partners and spreading love, okay, so polyamory detected. He told me about this guy living with him that he called as a brother and two foster children that he raised a few years before which he met them when they are the age of 24 and 26.

I was flabbergasted, but yeah okay. Now get this; his brother needs to remind the kids that their father is not their lover, how awesome was that. I need to catch a breath a few times to let myself not thinking about naughty stuff, like, you know, stuff!

He reminded me about being classy, how to groom, set your bar. I had a vision like this a long time ago but the laid back environment in my current office get the best of me.

Will I meet him again, hopefully soon, his lips are awesome and I would love to suck on it just to feel how it taste like sucking on the suckable lips and thick goatee, ah yes, did I mention that he is half Arab?

He was sending me this vibes like a question about living together?

The one true question remains, AM I READY?

Now, office stuff.

HR just drop the latest org chart today and marks that by today the contest team will no longer reside in Central Sales however it will be in a new team under IM in SSPM, there is no fear of moving to a new scene because of RS, FE, and I already prepared about this for weeks. The only problem was, we will be used as a scapegoat, the first day the org chart was announced and the very same day we are blamed for something that we didn't commit. Bravo, well it's life and the intricate office politics.

Had a meeting with the new boss, he only give a guideline about a big picture, then sugar-coating shit like you will get a rise in one or two years. Dear Kanjeng Ratu Kidul, how far have I walk and badly bruises until my heart has no leap of joy on hearing this kind of shit, I just brush it off and smile; you will not buy me with this kind of words.

After the meeting, the now ex-good-looking-boss sat next to me and asked how was the meeting goes; had no notion whatsoever so I just give him blow by blow. It was one of the saddest moment on working or being with him, the worst kind of office politics where the other person clawed his way up by licking asses and the other one who hated you will strip your subordinates off from you; I can feel his sadness he was just acting manly as hell, but the fact that this conversation was done in a quiet manner and he looked at me with that puppy look, it’s just depressing AF.

He just told me "well this is how it goes when you're still working in a company" then he stood and pat me on my shoulder.

As you can see, the old good-looking bastard has a heart after all.

How Far

After that unfaithful night slash adultery holiday in Bandung, I tried swimming back to the dating pool. It's not that I missed the feeling of being fucked or anything, it's just that I started to believe that it is healthy, at least for my mental health. I redownload growler and tinder in which those two apps gave me a hell of a ride. mind you that I'm not exactly an ugly person, I still have my charms, but the trouble with dealing with someone else, my boss used to refer as "do not put your happiness in someone else's hand" is like a mantra to me, I took seriously on the word "hand" - my own hand.
 
Now, the dating pool is not necessarily kind to me, tried to date this gorgeous guy whom I met in tinder but he stood me up telling me he has no ride, he lives in pamulang then telling me he lives in mampang. Like seriously in Jakarta how on earth can you tell someone that you don't have a ride while gojek and grap are swarming the whole city like flies.  I believe I'm living a good life, I paid my tax, and living a minimum enemy per building. did I have bad karma or something, why is it so hard to find a good guy?
Though I still live in a state where I uphold a single life is an ultimate life, but still, a girl wants some tlc once in a while.

five years ago, I still have that fantasy where every time I met someone whom I think is a catch I instantly thinking about living a life together, where sleeping together were meant to be done by a couple only. well look at me now trying to hook up to two different guys and booking a hotel where we can shag. I still haven't done it yet, by the time I wrote this.

The question is, am I really ready? ready to have fun without having those emotional baggages.
 

Paid for Sex

Bandung, Saturday 13 July 2019

Some people say that there is always a first time for everything, including sex, that they won't take it very lightly, and in this case, there is always a first time for a paid sax.
I had a dick appointment that afternoon, it was at the end of the series of sales leader meeting in Bandung. I was a part of the committee and for this event only I'm willing to extend and paid an extra 3 days more for a hotel near Gedung sate. I have never been to Bandung, I'm horny hence its been 5 years passed since my last casual fling with tiny dick Daryl from Bekasi.

Well, it began from a twitter ad many years ago, a massage parlor providing alligator sensual massage, whereas hundreds of stories on reviews of masseur male to male body to body from Sabang to Merauke. What intrigues me on those reviews was the way they censored the happy ending which sometimes uses the abbreviation 'HE' on the reviews.  "He removed my underwear and then blank and then it all finish with a happy face" Haha I want to know behind that blank from the first point of view and oh, did I mention that I'm horny, yes I was, so here goes from my perspective.

  I left the GH Universal exactly 1 PM, hopping a silver xenia grab car driven by this handsome young Chinese Sundanese where he explains to me the condition in Bandung especially on weekend heading to Reddoorz, he told me to avoid 4 to 9 PM whereas everything can be gruesome much horrid than Jakarta. Well, it was a small two side street smaller than Jakarta by all mean with the current state where the government implementing a new route scenario.

Ah, how can I describe Bandung, it was urban atmosphere leaving bits of colonial breath in every chill breeze. It is the land of seblak, batagor and cilok. Where the men were exceptionally gorgeous with small penis size on average. Well, I thought it was a great idea to experience this tiny adventure in here knowing that it's been a long time since I did it, a big chimichanga will only give me a discomfort feeling on my heaven's gate.

I reached him over WA on the first day I arrived in Bandung, his price is the cheapest from several candidates that I browsed in twitter, mind you that price is not a huge issue what bothers me is robbery.
~To think that its been almost a week since it happened, here I am writing in Starbucks Setia Budi one, it just occurred to me that I don’t know his name, I have no intention to act like it’s a professional blah blah this kind of thing shouldn’t involve feelings, but this is the first time - me - as a grown man thinks that its just a fling. I no longer have the feeling of wanting to love wherefrom prior experience leaving me sobbing for days and chanting mantras like 'love liberates' from Maya Angelou or you won't see me stand in self-pity any more, yup, I still remember those days.~
I told him to come somewhere between 3 to 5, it will leave me a one hour spare to clean up and get ready after checking in at 2 PM.  They gave me a room where a join gazebo right in front of my room can easily peak me apart from that it gives me a beautiful mountain sceneries which alas I forgot to take photos until my last day of staying there. He arrives somewhere at 4, with black denim jacket and jeans, sweaty and dusty which vividly shown that he came here in a motorcycle. We smile and chat for a while, I don’t know how to react to your gigolo or masseur hence this is my first time.  Should we kiss or giving a list of what he should do for the next 90 minutes?
I sat on the tip of the bed watching him preparing stuff. A large towel as the cover for the bed so we won't leave a nasty mess, several small towels, a pack of tissue, a few small bottles of oils, and a Bluetooth speaker which he puts in on the tv stands.

He told me to get ready and I instinctively undress my self leaving me with a pair of black underwear, then I lie down on the edge of the bed on top of his huge towel; probably for him to have a good mobility - it would be hard if I lie down in the middle of the bed.  He started with a dry massage making points with his finger to my body; the palm of my feet, my calves, my thighs, and he was doing something to my ass as if he was adjusting the lump in my ass cheeks. I hardly felt any pressure on my legs but the way he touches it tickles mine to an extent where I want something to be inserted into the middle of my ass. Is it that long already? Five freaking years, did my job dominated my life even I do not feel like a human anymore? Scary to think that I always leave to a new job every three years.

Then he pulled my underwear, in a whisper he said "maaf permisi" for him its just part of his job, how many men that he undresses in a week, It makes me wonder what is like the first time he did it - is it for money or just pure pleasure? The moment my underwear expose my behind, I felt somehow defeat but in an erotic way, as if I was a captured widowed of war cornered by the enemy's army, I knew I was gonna be fucked, I want it and I just gave in. I try to look behind me and wait for a response, I don’t know Im just curious; will he make a comment about my black ass or my hairy back?
He continued by stepping off the bed and took his close off then applied some cream and oil on my ass and my back.  He sat on my leg, naked, I can feel his balls resting on my skin. He then glide his arms from my ass to my shoulder, it felt so good it makes me beg him to kiss me from behind, bite my neck and lick my ear, he did and it felt so good.

He rimmed my ass, didn’t felt a thing, it would be a self note for me to have someone with a big thick mustache to rimmed my ass just to have a comparison, then more cream on the hole and used one of his fingers to prepare my hole, I can feel his nail rubbing my skin and he tried to push his cock in, I can even feel how tight my hole felt it wrapped his finger. Without me knowing, this body was stressed, he told me to relax my ass, he made an effort by nibbling my ball sack from behind - this is the most amazing feeling in the world - I kid you not - then he began to thrust in, the hair on his leg scratches my thighs it was hard and warm at the same time.

I was facing down the whole time, I want to see the person who fucked me while we are down at it, he yields and let me turn around. I regret that decision instantly, oh how this old body and blabber belly disappoint me time and time, my legs were crammed the moment I shift my body, then the moment he thrust more I hardly breathe because of my belly was pushed up along with my legs being rested on his shoulder. I can't even reach my dick as I tried to jerk it, okay I just rub my nipple then, but the lack of breath beg me to stop it. Then we change position, I was on my knees on all four, still, didn’t work. This position and this feeling of discomfort remind me of a cartoon asking "when it will stop, can I go now". Again, we change position, I was lying sideways,  I had enough and wanted to end this game. It just didn’t cut it so I ask him to end it and hit the shower. That moment I was thinking to jerk off after he left, being single for years giving me a comfort zone with my right hand, but first, a shower to seal the day.

It’s a simple shower with groping and hugging, I still want a little something before he left and he knew I haven't come and still make an effort to it. He kissed me and suck on my ugly nipples then I use the advantage time by jerking off and imagining to be a virgin from a village being raped by his father who is a widow, he went home early from the farm and demand a little hot action with his baby girl, yes as you can see I have a twisted imagination and guess what, it still just doesn’t cut it, either I need a healthier lifestyle like a leaner body or maybe a healthier mental, it scares me that being with the wrong guy will hurt me, but the feel of caressing someone in your arms really felt good. I don’t know.

At the point where this will end, we got dressed. He was wearing his clothes on and I was sitting on the bed with the money that I had prepared earlier, I add 100K as a tip but he didn’t count them, he said he didn’t have too. I can smell the fresh soap lingers on his body as I demand a last kiss from him, we kiss passively, no tongue movement, just upper lips then lower lips but in a long and intense. After all these years did you not kiss your customer or maybe learn a few tricks up your sleeves, did you like it as you ask to call you again when I'm in Bandung?
Overall it was a crappy first experience, it's not you, it's me. I could have enjoyed it more but it was delightful to be touched again. In the end, I smile. Pas mall. 

Feels Like Human Again

Aceh

Copy paste statusnya Irmia Fitriyah

Sebuah refleksi

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Banci-Banci di Aceh

Saya pertama kali ke Aceh ketika masih kecil, tahun 80an. Waktu itu belum diberlakukan syariah Islam tapi masih masa konflik. Di rumah masih ada foto saya, ibu, dan kakak perempuan di Masjid raya tanpa jilbab. Masa itu jilbab tidak diwajibkan di Aceh.

Lalu, berpuluh-puluh tahun kemudian--pasca tsunami--saya bekerja di Aceh. Di masa itu jilbab sudah diwajibkan. Syariah Islam sudah diberlakukan. Jilbab menjadi penanda utama. Tubuh perempuan--terbukti di banyak literatur--selalu dijadikan simbol kesalehan.

Begitulah, daerah khusus selalu mendapatkan perlakuan istimewa. Mungkin strategi untuk melupakan masa lalu yang kelam. Tidak seperti di Timor Leste di mana konflik dituliskan, luka-luka dibicarakan, di Aceh hal-hal seperti itu dibungkam. Khas Indonesia sejak jaman orde lama--membiarkan luka-luka tidak dibicarakan. Maka, wajar kalau kita tumbuh menjadi masyarakat munafik. Kita melupakan untuk melanjutkan hidup. Kita tidak menghadapi luka-luka kita. Kita ingin melupakan saja. Biarkan saja yang lalu biar berlalu. Itu slogan kita.

Tak salah bila sepanjang hidup kita di Indonesia, kekerasan malah ditertawakan, dibuat meme. Sok tegar. Sementara di dalam rapuh. Tak heran bila kekerasan terus terjadi. Kita enggan merasa. Menyangkal selalu lebih baik untuk kita. Apalagi bila kekerasan terjadi pada kaum yang dianggap sampah, waria.

Biarkan saja mereka dapat kekerasan. Mereka menyimpang. Itu kesalahan mereka sendiri. Mungkin begitu pikir para pelaku yang kemungkinan melihat sanak saudaranya dianiaya di depan matanya ketika ia masih kecil. Mungkin mereka melihat sanak saudaranya ditendang, dipopor senapan, ditembak bagian kakinya hingga kesakitan, ditembak hingga mati menggelepar. Dan, itu disaksikannya ketika ia masih kecil. Ia punya memori soal itu. Membekas di ingatannya dan mengejawantah menjadi rasa marah. Ya, amarah! Amarah yang selalu menghantui hidupnya.

Lalu, kebetulan ada waria. Kebetulan ada syariah Islam. Ia punya justifikasi untuk melepas amarahnya.

Dan kita, kita yang tak pernah tinggal di Aceh. Kita yang mengharu-biru dengan "kemajuan" Indonesia, tak sanggup menerima realita  bahwa kekerasan masih saja terjadi di bumi Indonesia. Kita diam saja. Pura-pura segala sesuatunya baik-baik saja meski pemberlakuan syariah Islam telah melukai banyak jiwa.

Dan kita, kita yang Muslim tak sanggup menerima realita bahwa pemberlakuan syariah Islam itu menyakiti. Mencambuk orang di depan umum karena ketahuan berkhalawat itu menyakitkan, tapi kita diam saja karena kita menganggap itu adalah tindakan yang pantas meski hati kita tersakiti. Pura-pura menerima kebenarannya meski diam-diam kita sedih. Tapi, kita harus berpura-pura tegar. Berpura-pura pemberlakuan syariah Islam itu baik meski kita tahu koruptor tak pernah dihukum cambuk. Hukum cambuk hanya untuk rakyat biasa. Anak perempuan yang orang tuanya bukan siapa-siapa. Dan, banci-banci tentu saja.

Mereka bukan siapa-siapa. Mereka tidak dihitung dalam statistik. Mereka sampah. Menyimpang.

Namun diam-diam, mereka lah yang menafkahi keluarga. Merawat ibunya yang renta. Membiayai sekolah saudara-saudaranya. Membiayai pacarnya yang turut serta dalam kelompok orang-orang yang menindas mereka.

Begitulah banci.

Mereka rela berkorban meski terus disakiti. Demi sebuah keter-terimaan (acceptance).

Unexpected date

Entah sudah kesekian kalinya mampir kesini, sebagian karena pekerjaan dan sebagian lagi hanya karena tamarind squash yang diperkenalkan oleh Mbak Ade.

The guy with the white tshirt is kinda cute

Tapi kali ini special, karena ada nona ria yang akan me-launch single terbaru nya yang sudah bisa dibeli di itune atau diputar di spotify.

Lewat pukul delapan handphone saya berbunyi dengan suara khas yang sebagian orang menyebutnya dengan kitab kuning, sebuah applikasi dating online dengan logo beruang. 

Rupanya ada umpan yang terkena di people near by, saya tersenyum. entah sudah berapa lama tidak melakukan ini seperti layaknya manusia normatif. 

Saya duduk pada meja kedua dekat pintu menghadap jendela, dengan ruangan khas bertembok batubata merah dan aksen - aksen unik diruangan itu. Ada piano, drumb, dan gitar di pojok sana, Foto besar wonder woman, dan juga deretan kaset-kaset disusun pada sebidang tembok. 

Dan saya hanya memandang ke jendela, gelap hitam namun masih jelas ada pantulan wajah saya disana dan sesekali asap vape keluar dari ruangan baru didepan pav, hmp, saya pikir akan menjadi ruangan tatto... harus didiscuss lagi dengan Mbak Putri.

Namanya entah siapa, terlalu berisik dengan latar jam session yang mengalun di belakang, ada laki-laki bermain saxophone dan bagus sekali, dia - yang bermain sax, juga entah siapa namanya. Malam ini saya egois.
Kami bersalaman, singkat, dan saling menyumbang senyum, standar.
Toni, Doni, Joni, akhiran Ni.
Lalu memesan singkong goreng dari mas-mas berseragam hitam yang lewat. Saya masih awet dengan kopi tubruk seharga 18rb yang gula sachetnya tidak saya buka, negeri ini selalu mencampurkan gula pada kopi, bukankah kopi seharusnya hitam dan pahit?

Pernahkah kamu terlalu lelah dengan percintaan hingga membiarkan Kamadeva memainkan panahnya, tertusuk terhempas apalah apalah. Malam ini hanya untuk musik dan kopi. Bila ada yang lain menyusul itu hanyalah added bonus.