The Perfect Man

Josh Chry made a comment about the pic above which i used it as my profile pic in facebook.
"the perfect man has a smile like this"

It's hard to believe that the perfection isn't human,
while we lurks over battlefield of love in a club or dating sites we only get a 5 minutes whoopie.

Saturday night, I'm all alone in my room again, too tired to go out and stuck in the middle of my marathon moviez about a ninja, how to lose a guy in 10 days, friends, and ice age. Just a random pick.

a buzz telling a text message coming in from my cellies. I'm still using cellies, yes I'm weird I dont like crackberries the same thing with gay dating shit due I refused an invitation to go to club from a friend, I don't really like noisy places. you told me about the cute guys there, pick one and ready to go. No thanks but I already had my random pick today. *smiling* Two gays two different worlds.

I can vividly picture this in my mind,
you, drinking your beer moving to the rhythm of the beat, and flirt to this really cute guy wearing a white t shirt.
me, holding my pillow watching crappy movies.

you, walking tipsy on your way to his place for a crazy night in a lala land.
me, in bed alone jerking off watching porn.

in the morning we got up and thinking we're happy and all right with our life.
you, sitting on his bed with a hangover and a tad of pain on your ass.
me, eating my sandwich and coffee watching a cute jogger running with his dog and thinking about having one of my own.

while you still digging over piles of clothes looking for your underwear, i'm sober enough to think that our life sucks. maybe i'm just lazy, too lazy to find the right one, and if josh was right that the perfect man has a smile like that is a teddy bear well i'm too lazy to go to toys r us.

confession made, i'm just butt lazy.
good night folks. 

My January 2011

 

In my cold and damp room I sat there thinking about the trilling year I had in 2010.
A lot of things changed, I like tea then I need my daily caffeine boost just to stay awake in the office, and now I’m here with a can of root beer.
I know it’s kinda late to talk about this but hey, let’s talk about my New Year resolution; don’t have one.
I’m still focusing on my last year resolution, to be more honest with myself, for all the people who let me down and use me in an unmentionable way, so brutal that it leaves a scar in my heart.
I’ve been telling myself to write an email to them and tell them how I feel, I didn’t do it.
I don’t know why, though I’m sure they don’t give a shit so why bother.

The company that I work for is changing into a concentration camp, I gave my yearly financial statements report and just realized that the boss wants the company profitless. While we confront him he told us that it’s not our problem to think about the profit all we have to do is make more revenues. What do you think we are, a five year old?
He’s avoiding tax; smart. But a company without a heart and treat the employees like slaves; insane.
i think it's a lot more reasonable to use the profit in a form of a bonus or increasing the salary instead of buying expensive furniture (for his wife).

I was chatting with my friend on facebook early on and told me that two of my friends are resigning, and he too is thinking about moving to a new place. I’ve been working here for more than two years now, the place sucks but the team is great. I couldn’t find any other place that I can easily come out as a gay person and they accept me with an open heart. They are more than a family.
I can still feel the goosebumps on my shoulder running through my arms.

I’m thinking about pursuing another career in Bali or moving back to Jakarta.

I love my friends

And now I’m scared

Our Changes

During my first week assignment in Singapore I was living in hell, everything moved so damn fast on this island. I woke up early automatically, even way early than my roommate from swiss the country of punctuality. Take the bus at 7:30 hit to queenstown alight at tanjung pagar then walk to my office lunch at 2 dinner at 7 then went home at 9 if I’m lucky. A lot different from my previous life, change a lot.

During these days a friend of mine said goodbye to me. A very good friend indeed, we went to the same junior and senior high together, bad boys for life. From this insensitive heart of mine I thought it was just another holiday. He went to china for a few days of getaway. And that was it. Our last conversation, I hope I’m wrong.

During those growing up process between watching porn and chemistry lab we are unseparatable, we talked till late at night in a mosque watching the men raised their sarongs during their wudlu, then giggled just by watching their fuzzy hairs on their legs, yeah I know it’s silly.

Time flies as the notorious metro mini altered into somewhat more sophisticated. Nasi uduk altered into a cup of coffee and a bun of Danish roll. People change?

Changes derive from many factors, friends, family, lifestyle, or even boredom?

Endless text messages and emails with no reply, silent over me while you gladly greet your friends on countless social network -well just a few. New life new friends everythings new, i hardly recognize you. Our works stole our time, but not our soul? Lifestyle differ from the past, who am i kidding with?

If you asked me, I would love to eat meatballs again in jl. Pramuka, and I can still have nasi uduk in Singapore although they call it nasi lemak. Do we need to change?

I was viewing the construction site across aljunied where the Indian guys were sweaty and yummy doing the site. I smiled, thinking that you might enjoy this view. Facebook is on, as I scroll down your uploaded pictures and carefully read your friend’s comments on your trip to south Africa watching the world cup.

We got separated miles away but it’s not my fault, obviously you got a bigger pay slip than me but I’m not complaining. We have new friends but don’t you miss me?

We don’t have to change, and I don’t wanna change. So what’s your excuse?

from Shades of Gray blog

 it is written beautifully by Ethan at shades of gray. the story is an image of my feelings towards life....

I met the most adorable couple today. Peter and George. They’ve been together for 47 years. George is in a wheelchair. Peter takes care of him. He cooks for him, cuts his steak for him. He helps him up the stairs.

They’re still in love. Not like all over each other in love. Old people in love. The way you finish each other’s sentences in love. The way you tease each other in love. The way you roll your eyes at each other in love.

I was introduced to George and Peter through my friend Justin. Justin’s my hairdresser. He’s straight. He’s been my hairdresser for 16 years. Really. My brother took me to Justin’s for my 18th birthday. I’m 34 now. Almost 35. I guess that means I know Justin almost 17 years. That’s a long time.

I love Justin. He’s family. Justin loves me too. Says I’m special. I don’t think I’m special, though it’s nice to hear.

Anyway. Back to George and Peter. They invited Justin and me to brunch at the Lowell Hotel. Have you ever been to the Lowell Hotel? It’s up on 63rd and Madison. It’s beautiful. Old. Classy. Foie gras and caviar kind of classy. Beluga. I actually had the foie gras. It was amazing. Like butter. Didn’t have the Beluga. Fish eggs. Yuck.

We went on a walk after brunch. Me, Justin, Peter, George. Justin pushed George’s wheelchair. I walked along with Peter. We walked and walked and walked. We walked until we stepped right into the Central Park Zoo. We saw seals. Polar bears too. Then we sat on a bench, watched people go by. We watched and watched and watched and watched. It was one of those perfect days. Sunny, clear, like God was in a good mood. We sat there watching. We watched until Peter said it was time for George to take a nap.

Justin, me, Peter, George then walked back to their apartment, helped George up the stairs. Wheelchair was heavy. I wondered how Peter and George manage when Justin’s not around. I said my good-byes, then took the E-train back to Chelsea.

On the train, I turned on my ipod. Then smiled all the way back home.

I met the cutest couple today. 47 years. Perfect. Like God was in a good mood.

If tomorrow starts without me

I have decided that when I die i want to be buried next to my ancestors in Jogjakarta,
with Frank Sinatra tuning in the background singing I did it my way
and David Romano's stuff to be read before they take me 6 feet down.

-----
If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
And each time that you think of me you know I miss you too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
For all life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had it's through.

If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I'd say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I'd miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

So if tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, please know you’re in my heart.